Today- I thought about change.

I could feel the blood sprinting up and down the inside of my veins. I felt like I was forcing energy out of myself that I didn't have; kind of like trying to spray the last few drops out of an empty perfume bottle. With every thrust, I felt my legs squeeze tighter together- grow weaker together. Beads of sweat marched across my skin as my breathing got heavier, and heavier, until I was almost there. When I reached Gian, he told me, “Now go run a lap.”

Needless to say, I had a rude awakening at the gym today. It just so happens that I’m more out of shape than I thought. The rude awakening came after the first 5 minutes of my work out, when I realized just how hard I was going to have to work to get back in shape. I had to make a change, several in fact. Being who I am, my neurotic thought patterns got me thinking about change...

By its very nature, change is somewhat of a paradox. It is constant, but only in the way that it's constantly something different. Changing lipsticks, changing water filters, changing genders. Always change, but never the same as before. And it’s never ending. Change is less like replacing a popped tire, and more like repairing an old football injury; it's a solution, but it doesn’t permanently fix anything. Another change inevitably follows in its place.

Inevitable. That’s what change is. It’s not good, or bad, or even important, it simply is. Change is there even when I am unsuspecting, like breathing. I couldn’t help it even if I wanted to; couldn’t make it stop. However involuntary it may be, I am enslaved. So long as I breathe, change will inevitably find its way back to me. 


I was panting like a backyard dog when Gian gave me a workout tip. “Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. It helps you control your breathing.” The breathing may be inevitable. But the control; now that's a power I can cultivate.

Survived my first real session at the gym. I wonder what we’re working on tomorrow.